GOLDEN OLDIES EDINBURGH TOUR REPORT

The hasty purchase of two broom handles had us all in thankfully warm Boxhill fleeces, following two bulls balls down Edinburgh's royal mile. The opening party was outside, as Scots are wont to do if it's not snowing too hard, but the beers were six deep on arrival, and pretty much stayed that way. Kev, Phil, Jim, Paul, Stuart, Canadian Brian, Ranald and Bonny from Melbourne Uni, Leon with the Eltham boys - Tim, Daffy, Brent, little Pete, Maori Pete and there was even Lorry from who knows where ,on time (after 10 years of trying), but without his passport and wallet, with Jenny and his Pommy school mate Andy. Aye, it's grand to have an opening you can stagger home from, even if you're unsure where it is, trying new malt whiskies. Except Stuart, that is who got back at 6am after squiring home a Brazilian barmaid, intervened in a mugging, and ended up in a police station.

First game, a Scottish grade team, Foresters. 2 games into a full season. Never played Quenches. We joined up with Cornwall Jacks, three of them, making us all look young. One 's partially sighted so we warned him if he gets any blinder he'll have to referee. And a lone red-headed Kiwi joined in. We're not quite in the shadow of Murrayfield, but you could throw a beer can to it. Jim is suffering from Kevin's disease - trying to drink with him.

The game starts with a rush of their forwards through our backline, memories of playing grade 20 years ago and all we can do is grab one foot. Having a 120kg scrum half in Leon has its advantages. By half time they're two tries up, having backs that might average 35. So we do the Okey Pokey and we turn around. All except Pommy Paul, who's been severely tickled in the ribs and won't play again that week. Second half, to our surprise, Ranald gets a try back, then a long backline move and shock horror, there's a forward in support - Tim scores to makes it two all. A late surge from Foresters is beaten off, mostly fairly, and we have an honourable draw. Ranald was man of the match.

Next day, Jim Halls and Daffy fly out, somewhat worse for wear - 3 down.

For the second game we face a scratch team - well make that 2 scratch teams as there's 30 of them, both first grade sides. We thought we'd loosen them up with a Haka to the words of "Humpy Dumpty sat on a wall", but I think they took it as a real serious challenge.
Second game, same as the first but a whole lot rougher and a whole lot worse. Remember first grade games when the loosies all get to the ruck, then a highly mobile tight 5 start running off the fringes ? And first grade refs who like a fast flowing game (with ELV's) and no Quenchies nonsense ? I don't, but I got a fair dose of it that day. Canadian Brian hobbled over in support leading the half blind Cornishman, but a bit too late. We lost Leon, Little Pete and Cornishman Dave injured, Lorry off with concussion and the Kiwi off with a split head. Tim was tackling everything, no-one else was doing much else but tackle. Lorry came back on, tried to kick, and hobbled off again. Duncan and Andy from Foresters came to help, 'cause they hated these snooty buggers too (and liked a fight!) We definitely came second, but scored a solo try by the half-blind red-shorted Cornishman after they thumped him big time. They did compliment us on giving them a real game Tim and Maori Pete were man of the match.

We were told the third game, again a Scottish grade side, Linlithgow were only second grade so it would be easier. It was - like head butting a 6 inch post instead of a 12 inch one. Except this 6 inch post had a whole bunch of fresh players, it being Saturday, and what is this Quenchies nonsense anyway ? We had scoured the clubs for players, without avail, so we went like lambs to the tacking practice in the driving cold rain of a Scottish summers day. The first half highlight was a 15man rolling 50 yard maul. Andy kept tackling people from behind, something I can only remember doing, pulled off a remarkable tackle of their winger we had left to score, then later finished off a rare backline move with a sprint and dive/slide over the wet grass to score. A deserving man of the match. And yes, we came second. But we had survived, become a team with the Eltham boys, Kiwis and Cornishmen, won the singing in the bus, taken over an Iranian run Italian restaurant and taken the other guests to the pub and had fun. Phil and Ranald got picked up by the police - and taken to a nightclub.

The closing night ball was a hoot in their agricultural show shed of sword dancing, Scottish folk dancing (we invented the hobble), and as the Eltham boys were leaving at 8am, we left Kevin trying to do a Jim Halls on them, and Lorry left his phones.

Hey, captain, bloody good job but we've been playing grade 4 for 10 years now !